Wrecked

Everyone has their idea of a perfect plan. You know the ones where the timing is perfect and everything goes exactly the way it "should". The kind of plans you think nothing could ever get in the way of. Nothing will altar that plan. Nothing will change it. That is until the plan you have mapped out in your head isn't the plan God has in store for you. And He wrecks your "perfect" plan.

That's exactly how this journey began. I had my plan. I was going to be a nurse. I was told I couldn't and would never make it; I believed them. I changed my major. I was going to be a teacher. One class in I quickly learned that having twenty some little people under my direction in a classroom setting was not for me. What now God? What do YOU want for me? That's how I ended up here--in south Georgia, at Georgia Southern University, 4 states, 12 hours, 734 miles away from home. 

I made it through my first semester here, thankfully. I now know how a child feels going into a completely new environment, not knowing anyone; scared, alone and wishing for the comfort of the place they once knew. Survival skills are what get you through and eventually you begin to get familiar with this new place. 

Fall, Spring and Summer all came and went. The count down was officially on because what's a plan without a countdown? I was supposed to be done with classes down here in  Spring of 2013. That meant 9 more months of being homesick, 9 more months of Georgia...9 more months.

Somehow I find myself in the exact same place I was when this journey all began; confused and lost. Oh how I wish I understood. When this fall semester began, I knew I'd have to apply for the Child Life Practicum which would take place in the Spring. Picking up the application my heart sank a little bit. I thought to myself, this is it. This is the last "big" class I have to complete in order to move on to my internship. Once I complete it I will be done with classes. I am going to be able to move closer to home, do my internship and then graduate. I had it all figured out and became a little too comfortable with my perfect little plan.

Last Wednesday when the final part of my application was due, my perfect plan fell apart. My advisor told me that I simply do not have enough credits in my major classes here at Georgia Southern completed. Therefore would not be selected for an interview for the Child Life Practicum. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe the emotion that I felt at the time and am still trying to deal with. I'm a pretty emotional person but I absolutely hate crying in front of people. I will do the best I can to hold it in until I'm by myself. Not that day. I sat in my advisor's office completely broken. She told me something that I will never forget. 

"Just because you didn't get in now, does not mean that you cannot be a Child Life Specialist." 

If you know me at all, you know I needed to hear that. I would have thrown everything I've worked for away right then and there. 

After everything happened that day, I made the decision to drive home that weekend. Let me just say that I have the best "home team". They are the kind of people that let you cuddle their babies, encourage you in your faith, pray for you, and love on you even when you're struggling. They are genuine people that I would be so lost without. Spending time with them meant the world to me. I left home Sunday to begin the dreaded drive back to Georgia. It was all I could do to make myself come back. 

Overdue Starbucks date

Cuddly baby boy

Late night chats

El ranch date

I'm not sure of anything at this point. I have a plan in place with my advisor which says something along the lines of apply for Practicum again for Fall 2013, no summer school (aka: go home and cuddle babies all summer) and graduate May 2014.  

Sounds good to me. It's not what I had planned but there is still an end in sight. However, I'm having a hard time letting myself believe in that plan. Why should I? I feel like I stand on a fine line between hoping that that plan is God's plan and trusting that if it's not, His plan is greater. After all, I don't know His plan for my life. I've found myself wondering if this is even His plan for me anymore. No matter what happens, I know He's there. Always has even when I've failed to acknowledge Him. Always will be.

I'm learning a lot. This has not been easy. It has been one of the most challenging weeks of my life. I'm still weighing through the hurt and devastation I've felt over the last week. The reality of it is, it's not the end of the world. I'm still in school striving to reach my goal of becoming a Child Life Specialist because at one point that was God's plan for me. Until something changes, I will be here in Georgia, 4 states, 12 hours and 734 miles away from home. Because Jesus wrecked my plan and this life is His. While I may not understand why certain things happen, one thing is for sure--He's got this under control.